Monday, June 29, 2009

WHY MEN CHEAT PART 1 & 2


Lady in Red and Valiant Knight are both freelance writers. The Lady is from East Malaysia and the Knight is from the Peninsula. Their writings in this column will be based on the real facts of life in this society. They can be contacted at jennievictor9@gmail.com.


PUBLISHED ON EASTERN TIMES 27 JUNE 2009

Lady in Red says ...Why men cheat? Part 1


Lady in red says….
After the topics of Relationship before and after marriage, Women and Men of Yesterday and Today, these are going to be related issues that are very common to men. Like it or not men cheat. The percentages of men being unfaithful to their wives are higher than women being unfaithful to their husbands and only about a third of marriages survive affairs. It is harder for women to get over the emotional stress, to forgive, redevelop the trust and try to make the marriage more intimate and satisfying again. Although women are more forgiving, they are still hurt but are forced to put up a brave face in front of the community.
Having a perception that men involved with women are more attractive than their spouse is not really true. Men cheat because of the following reasons:-
Unhappy Marriage: - This usually prompts many men to go for an affair. Their lives are being controlled by the nagging wives and they have to tell lies about work involvement outside. As a married woman, I thought that I should give my husband his privacy and not questioned him about his movement but then it may give him opportunities to stray. In most cases lack of communication in marriage leads a man to run into the arms of another woman. It always starts with a casual relationship, slowly developing into a deep relationship and gradually getting sexually involved, by then it’s too late to get out.
Loneliness: - Don’t leave your man alone. This usually happens when they are away on a job. Another woman can easily fill in the gap if he is left alone too long.
Sex: Sex is one of the main reasons. Most couples do not want to discuss it frankly. When they have problem in their sex life, they do not talk about it resulting in their husbands’ sexual needs not being fulfilled. According to a marriage counsellor, most men cheat are due to not getting their sexual needs met.
Ego: During one of our husband/wife arguments, my husband once said to me, “You think no woman wants me. I can find one if I want to!” I guess men have very fragile egos and when complimented by other women, they feel great and want to prove to themselves that they are still attractive to the opposite sex.
Money: Money is one of the main factors. My husband once told me that if only he has money, he can have any woman he wants. He said only money can attract women. I do agree with him because material things do matter. They are willing to spend on their girlfriends when they think they are “in love.”
A Relationship with No Commitment: Men often looked for women they can turn to and often jump into such relationships looking for some “fun”. No matter how good or faithful their spouses are, many men tend to think that having one woman is not enough. One of my uncles is one example of one playing a double role in front and at the back of his wife. His wife is contended with all the attention given her by all the “darling” and “honey” calls in front of her relatives.
Men are Men: Many men think they are superior to Woman and get away by doing anything they please, breaking the sacred marriage vows they took at the time of marriage and not caring about the feelings of their spouses. Majority of men are selfish and they try to get what they want and it does not matter who they hurt while doing so.
One thing Men must understand is that they are going to get caught at one point or another. It may be the scent of a different perfume, some fallen hair, a lipstick mark or their different behaviour. But women are smart; many men have lost their money, property, health and wealth by opting for relationships outside marriage. But that still does not prevent them from doing it again and again. After all, Men are men!After years of marriage, everything is taken for granted and couples tend to stop appreciating each other. When that is absent, can you blame a man for cheating?

Valiant Knight says .... Why men cheat Part 2


Valiant Knight says ……..
A simple enough reason would be, because women cheat! It is a matter of two can play the game! Many women would like to put the blame solidly on the men. My partner, the Lady in Red points a finger directly at men and says that they are basically the cheating type! I would agree with her to a certain degree that men basically would be the first to cheat on their wives/lovers/boyfriends and what have you. However, in today’s modern society, sometimes the women would be the first to cheat. Remember, who fell to Satan’s (The Snake) temptation first in the Garden of Eden?
We have discussed the frustrations of married women in our earlier article and given a scenario where the wife is frustrated with a husband that is no longer romantic or caring then we find a time bomb that is ready to explode the moment the detonator is hit! Thus, when the husband is away working to his bones to earn enough to feed his family, having no time to play around with other women or is so worn out by his work until he is no longer appealing to other women, a man enters the life of the frustrated home-maker and the fuse is lit! Karboom! There is this spontaneous explosion of lust and the woman cheats on her husband!
Usually, men who go for frustrated housewives are single Casanova type, so they do not cheat on their spouses as they have none! Thus, it is now the attached wife that is involved. Most women know how to ‘forget’ the slight indiscretion but not all can and will feel guilty and eventually ‘confess’ to their husbands! Boy, can you imagine the effect on him? It would be worse than the shockwaves of the atomic bomb dropped at Hiroshima! The poor husband is devastated. He has been cuckolded! What can be more degrading? So, he tells the world that he wants to get back at her and the best way possible is to have an affair too. Once he sets out on this path, he is on a journey of no return. One ‘conquest’ will be followed easily by the next and it goes on!
A man who cheats because his wife first cheated is the kind that will go on cheating till the very end! He is a ‘wronged’ guy and he has no remorse about cheating the woman who cheated him or any other women. To him, they all cheat after all!
The next category of men who cheat are those who are frustrated with their wives because their wives care more for the children, the home and things domesticated except bedroom activities and looking after the husband well! I find it strange that a woman who can take care of her children so well, manage the curtains, cushions, floor and food in the house cannot find time to please and satisfy her husband! Is it that difficult?
Once a man cannot find meaning and pleasure with his spouse, he would definitely look for this elsewhere. It is easy to come by these to fulfil his needs. Any pup, karaoke lounge, bar, nightclub, etc. would provide him with hostesses ever willing to fulfil all his fantasies as long as he is willing to spend money! Others who do not want to spend money of different hostesses each night may look for a special one (a constant companion [don’t like the term ‘mistress’] and start a second home! This home is different from his original home because there are initially no children, he gets all the attention of his woman as he has so little time with her anyway and so the best situation arises from such a relationship. Since he is not legally tied to this woman, he is free to leave anytime and the woman knows it and would serve him on hands and feet! Again, he has to spend extra money!
Thus, we can also point to money as the root of all reasons for men to stray from their wives. If you have the financial means you can buy ‘comfort’ if not you just walk out and try to find another. Even in such a situation, you still have to pay alimony and children maintenance to the old family and it will cost you a bomb!
So gentlemen, cheat at your own peril!
(1,460 Words)

Sunday, June 21, 2009

MEN YESTERDAY AND TODAY PART 1 & 2


MEN YESTERDAY AND TODAY PART 2 - VALIANT KNIGHTS SAYS.....


Valiant Knight says ……..
Since the beginning of time, men have been given a place of importance and dominance over women. Adam was first made and Eve was derived from him! Cain and Able were the first offspring of Adam and Eve and recorded as such in the Holy Books. In most civilizations, males were featured as most dominant. A Chinese family cannot imagine not having a son to carry on the family’s name. Therefore it is not strange that even to this day, men always feel that they are the superior gender.
However, this is a generalized concept and actual dominance of the male gender is not something that is guaranteed! How often in history, legends and in myths we find the fall of the dominant male! Cain and Abel saw the murder of Abel by Cain and thus the disfavour shown to Cain after that! It is so common for Emperors of male origin being subjugated to the dominance of Empress Dowagers or their Empresses! Such male rulers were merely puppets of the ladies behind the men. It is also not uncommon for societies to adopt female oriented power houses. A common example is the Menangkabaus. Many remote tribes and societies in today’s world still practice this matriarchal form of society.
Why do men in the past dominate the family and society? Again we look at the respective roles of primitive civilizations. Women bear children and must look after them in their dwelling places. The men go out to gather and hunt food! Outdoor activities make men basically stronger to weather the environment and hunt down and kill fierce animals. Thus men developed the hunting skills and killer instinct, making them a dominant gender as compared to motherly image of homemakers who are basically women.
So long as men go out to gather and hunt, they maintain this dominance in physical skills and strength. However, in some societies, women played and are still playing an important role in providing for their families’ needs. This is so when farming and domestication took place. Women could cultivate and look after livestock! The role of the gatherer and hunter of men becomes less important. In many societies, men became docile and sort entertainment to overcome their boredom! Thus they fly kites and play with tops. Many games originated as a result. This left men with the solitary role of sperm producers to propagate mankind! Not very attractive a description of the He-man!
If we look at today’s society, anything that a man can do to earn and support a family, a woman can easily do it too. Given such equality, women no longer look up to men as superior. Therefore, men have lost the psychological advantage. Through centuries of seeking fun and frolic when idle men folks played games and sort out women, men have grown weaker and less efficient in many areas. Today’s men has become lazy and not diligent, especially in the field of education. If we look at our local universities and most universities, we find that women are dominant and do better unless suppressed by social and religious controls. What are our men doing in such places? They play games, go to parties and orgies and make fools of themselves (with exceptions).
When they come out to work, because of the dominance of males in higher places, they are given such status to the detriment of companies and government departments. They lack the knowledge and efficiencies as well as the will to make things work successfully. Thus, many large companies fall and businesses collapse because of inefficient male leadership at the very top. On the other hand we see women CEOs steering their companies to greater and greater successes! Today’s men are a faint reflection of their ancient counterparts.
To make matters worse, today’s men are allowed the freedom to practise something that was tabooed long ago – homosexuality! Many societies are coming to terms with male and male relationships and even marriages! This erodes the one and final fundamental role of males – to produce children. No male and male marriage can produce children! When men degrade into this form of activity, what is left of his role? In such a relationship, one of the two must play the role of the women! Thus half of the society that practises homosexuality to the extent of getting married is no longer actively maintaining the male role! Instead, they are no better than females!
Don’t get me wrong! I am not against homosexuals! I believe they have a right to express themselves freely as anyone else, but I am here discussing the roles of men yesterday and today. When homosexuals was the exception and not so common in the past, men usually (especially in public) acted like men but today when it is condoned, many men are now acting and even looking like women!
A review of popular artistes would show that the cute, sweet looking males are more popular as their fans are females. It is a mistake to think that women go for macho looking men! How often we see screaming girls (especially teenage girls) going berserk at sweet looking males! These same people would make a manly man puke yet they are popular among women! Men are still playing their roles to attract women to them so that they fulfil the ultimate role of reproduction! However, with society freely allowing homosexual activities, many man also fall for them, thus disrupting the natural role of reproduction!
Where will all these lead to? Will women find a way to reproduce humankind on their own? Do they merely ‘milk’ men of their sperms and fertilized themselves to reproduce? Where are we head for? Your guess is as good as mine.

MEN YESTERDAY AND TODAY PART 1 FROM LADY IN RED


Lady in red says….

Over the years, I have many good and bad experiences trying to understand men. I hope this discussion will give me a clearer picture of the characteristics and behaviours of men.
Men were given an authority on everything on earth since the beginning of time. I agreed with Valiant Knight that males are dominant and since then they live in the level of authority and ego is their number one in their list of attributes. Even surnames have to be maintained to keep in touch with the generations of their forefathers.
In olden days, men were the rulers and decision makers in every workplace and household. Most top posts were held by men and there were no questions asked even though there were potential female candidates.

This is most obvious among the ethnic groups in Sarawak; most of the longhouses have men appointed as leaders and respect is expected from their people.
Every first born male is a blessing and females are considered a curse in the family. Especially among the Chinese, the males would get the properties and have the rights to carry down the name of succeeding generations. Opportunities, especially in term of education are given to the males. When a man gets married, he expects the woman to move into the man’s family home and served the whole household. She holds no authority.
You don’t expect men to do any household activities as they claim that it is the woman’s job to cook and to clean.
When men go out for social activities, women have to accept that they are part doing business.
It’s just a simple theory – Men command, Women obey!
I do agree with Valiant Knight in most of the facts he had highlighted on the men being the domineering figure in the family and in society in the past.

As time moves on, the men’s expectations are different now. Most Chinese families realized that having daughters in the household are better than sons. Men with families moved out to settle on their own and moved into their wives’ households too. Mothers often complained that their sons listen to their wives and no longer get their attention.
The influence of homosexuality is no longer a taboo. “What choice do I have?” said Mrs. Chan, one of my aunty whose son is a gay and is living with a man.
Yes, men are fearful of women, some of them do, there’s no doubt about it. The fact is that men are human, too. They feel deeply, they care passionately, and they want to be respected, and loved.
As we can see it today, the roles of men have changed. We have men working under lady bosses; in the medical field, we have male nurses that were once only meant for women. We have men who didn’t mind to being kept by older women who are single and rich.
The roles that men have to play are now expanding and they share with the women many of the roles once reserved for women. We do hear of men becoming house-husbands, staying at home to care for the children while more ambitious wives go to work without becoming the butt of jokes and being mocked by friends.
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it’s the women job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.

The Magic of our differences
To conclude, whether we are men or women, we all want to be respected and valued for whom we really are, free from the old limitations and role-playing. Men and women should open themselves to bridge the old and new age. We call it the magic of differences, made possible by genuine curiosity and sincere listening to know the human truth beyond the old clich├ęs about:”all any woman wants….” And “...that’s how men are.”

Monday, June 15, 2009

WOMEN YESTERDAY AND TO DAY PART 1 & 2


Lady in Red and Valiant Knight are both freelance writers.
The Lady is from East Malaysia and the Knight is from the Peninsula.
Their writings in this column will e based on the real facts of life in this society.
They can be contacted at jennievictor9@gmail.com.

PUBLISHED ON EASTERN TIMES COMMUNITY'S SECTION - 13 JUNE 2009

WOMEN YESTERDAY AND TODAY PART 2


Valiant Knight Says…
I must agree with Lady in Red that women is a gift from God to man. However, her sense of curiosity practically ruined the comfortable life God granted us in the Garden of Eden. One of women’s greatest weaknesses is the inability to fall into temptation and therefore women from before and until today do not usually put themselves in a situation where they can be tempted as Eve was tempted by the snake. Given such a situation, most women would fall. (So would most men!)
Thus, mankind, in order to protect womenfolk from temptations that would ruin the family institutions have always kept up the pressure on them by making them feel subservient to men! If women are kept at home and unexposed to the temptations of the world, then the family institution stands a better chance to survive. This will ensure than mankind will dominate the world as it is doing today with so many billions of us around. Women are kept as baby-makers (in the past they bear easily half a dozen children compared to the one or two of today’s world.) They are kept as home managers (a nice term in today’s language) and feed the children and husbands.
In the past, a women’s role is that of a child-bearer and a home keeper. Today, as I pointed out in last week’s article, since the suffragettes’ activities in Europe and America, even women of Malaysia are demanding for equal opportunities and rights. They want to be like men! I am not here to discuss whether this is right or wrong. There is no such thing as right or wrong when it comes to this issue. The question I want to raise here is whether it is suitable for our Malaysian society. You give us your feedbacks.
When economic activities were limited and demands for labour were not great, it was all right to keep the women at home to clean, cook, and care for the babies. However, when industrialization progressed, the demand for labour saw the influx of women working in the factories, in some case, taking along their children. It was to the advantage of the industrialists to exploit women’s labour and pay them lower salaries by exploiting the idea that women are less able than men being the so-called weaker sex. This concept, to exploit the cheap labour of women at that time, stuck on till today in many societies. However, with the women’s rights fighters, many Western nations capitulated and improved the rights of women as a whole, not only in work places but how the law treated them.
Today, the world is not similar in the way women are treated still. In developed nations they are given practically equal rights. In less and undeveloped nations, they still are second class citizens. In some countries, religious taboos and practices prevent them from progressing. They are not allowed to go to school, they have customs that make them subservient to men and in general they are sometimes treated no better than cattle in some tribes.
In Malaysia, I see a mixture of both such situations. Our women can be in top executive positions in the public and private sector yet at the same time some of these are still subject to the control of their husbands to such an extent that they cannot choose to wear what they want and cannot go out to meet others! How is it that we have this paradox? A large proportion of our ladies are governed by religious and traditional and cultural rules! We cannot and maybe should not imitate Western societies! Again I leave it to the general public to respond here.
If you ask me, I would say that women are equal to men both physically and mentally. In some cases one group may out do the other. There will be some men who are definitely stronger physically and some women stronger than some weak men. Likewise, some women are smarter than some men. It is a matter of given the right incentive, motivation and opportunities. Malaysian women today are lucky in that they are free to go to school and university. They are employed based on meritocracy by commercial and government departments. Yet, there is still some discrimination. If not, one would definitely find most of the government departments headed by ladies!
Treating women as the weaker sex by a segment of our society has actually resulted in the men in this society to be less capable. They cannot even do the basic necessities to keep alive if they are without a woman! Yet they profess to be stronger. By being deceived to be the stronger gender, they allowed women to overtake them in the field of studies and workplace! They are too relaxed to the extent of being lazy! Thus, women in their society improved because of their own fault. Today, more of their women are university graduates and working in government positions at all levels. The men are street thugs or kite and top players. Those that are gainfully employed do not show the quality of diligence that their women folks show!
So, if you look at women of yesterday/yesteryear and today, it is not the same all over the world. Even in our own country, there are vast differences. If you ask whether the trend should be to give women more opportunities and rights, I would definitely agree. It will benefit our economy. But on the other hand, unless men are willing to take over the role of women as home managers while their wives become income earners and breadwinners, society and mankind as a whole would suffer. Reproduction and consistent growth of our numbers would be reduced and one day we may become extinct like a large percentage of most animals do!

WOMEN YESTERDAY AND TODAY PART 1


Lady in red says….
When GOD first created the world, there is already a sign of discrimination. Men are to be in controlled and Women have to obey. From the beginning, the woman is already at fault when she was blamed for man’s fall when he ate the forbidden fruit. Until today, they are still eating the forbidden fruits! Adam had a choice, if he had made the wrong choice, why should a woman be blamed?
YESTERDAY
In the past, most women are considered as child bearers and are of lesser value to society.
In the olden days in most Asian countries girls are often put to death or sold as slaves. They preferred cows which are more useful in giving milk for the household. Men can have many wives or concubines and women had no right to object.
Women are deprived of education and careers and are often forced into marriages when sometimes they were abused by their husbands. Women often suffer in silence and give in to their husbands’ demands in order to keep the family together whether they liked it or not.
TODAY
These are some of the remarks from the men when I put forward the question: “What do you think of women today?”
With the influence from western cultures, women have started to grow and have more freedom in expression. They come in different and better packages now like how they dress, make-ups, behave, and think. They are more courageous.
A famous quote says: “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world” still has a major impact on world affairs. We can see today how Hilary Clinton worked her way up to become United State’s Secretary of State and she commands the attention of the world.
Women still hold a great influence among mankind. The advancement of women is a very complex issue which is related to cultural values, religious beliefs, traditional mindsets and numerous other factors that tend to be reflected in polices and regulations. Today in Malaysia, we hear of more women acquiring top positions in the corporate world.
I am proud to be born a woman and it is definitely a fact that man cannot live without a woman.
Women are survivors and they can manage their lifestyle very well with career, household and children. Women make a lot of sacrifices for their men and children and yet we still find ungrateful men having affairs or extended families without the knowledge of their wives. And if that is the case, women are still being blamed for not looking after their husbands there by causing them to stray.

Changes take place
However, women today are more aggressive and realize that they have rights, too. A lot of single women either divorcees or single mothers under the influence of western culture begin to look for their men as a spare tool.
On my trip to Thailand last year, I met 5 ladies of leisure between ages of 40’s – 60’s having so much fun that they are willing to spend money on the so called, “Toy boys.”
As a woman myself whether it is yesterday or today, I should think we should be shown respect and appreciation from the opposite sex. Women are considered the most prized gift to mankind. Generally, woman can handle almost everything, giving birth, raising children, managing the household, having night duties serving our men, having a career life, dealing with in-laws with high tolerance abilities. Woman has to spend a lot to maintain their physical appearance from head to toe, trying to look good for their men and yet some men still go astray.
Today you men be warned! Women are well exposed now and they have options too and we hear many stories about women having their hidden agendas.
“A Woman is like a teabag, you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” – Nancy Reagan –

RELATIONSHIP BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE PART 1 & PART 2


Lady in Red and Valiant Knight are both freelance writers.

The Lady is from East Malaysia and the Knight is from the Peninsula.

Their writings in this column will e based on the real facts of life in this society.

They can be contacted at jennievictor9@gmail.com.

Published on Eastern Times Community Section on June 6, 2009

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

RELATIONSHIP BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE - PART 2


Valiant Knight Says…


Relationship before marriage is often referred to as “courting” which can be defined as a period when a man and woman do things together or individually to try to please each other or improve their relations, often so that they will do something they want them to do for each other. “Marriage” on the other hand is a situation when the man and woman is already attached to each other for “better or for worst”, it is a situation that is completed! Such being the situation, it is only natural that relationship before and after marriage cannot and do not remain the same.

Taking the male point of view to this matter, I would like to point out that man are expected for most of their earthly existence to be the one doing the chasing in a courtship. Cavemen had to use their clubs to knockout Cave Women and drag them home to be their mates. Actions were expected on the part of the men and the women sort of have to remain passive. In today’s modern society, this trend is slowly becoming outdated and more and more women are either playing equal part or the aggressive part when courtship is concerned!

The differences in relationships before and after marriage will depend on what form of courtship is being played out by the couple! If the traditional form of courtship is the norm then the differences would be tremendous, however, if the courtship is of the modern kind, the differences would be less.

A man when courting a woman is expected by tradition to play a more active role. He is supposed to make the first move, so to speak. He must be the one to pop the question when he wants to date the woman, he is the one that must suggest the location they want to be at, he must be the one to make all the moves to improve their physical and mental relationship and finally he must be the one to propose (pop the question). If he is to do all these things, what is the woman’s role? She merely has to respond. Either she has to agree or disagree. If she agrees with the man’s wishes, all goes well. If she doesn’t, usually as tradition dictates, the man has to make alternative suggestions and proposals until the lady agrees! We call these making alternatives as pampering and accommodating the women! If you look at it carefully, is it so? In actual fact, to a man, he is merely making moves that would put him in a position to win over the woman for something he has set out to accomplish! So, to him he is not pampering or accommodating his prey but rather some strategy to accomplish capturing his prey! Thus, women are falsely led to believe that their future husbands would pamper and accommodate them in their whims and fancies.

Why is this so? It is so because during courtship, when the prey is not in the lair, the hunter (man) must adopt tactics that are craftier and deceitful whereas once the prey is trapped (in marriage) there is not much necessity for craftiness on the hunter’s part. It is like hunting wild animals and harvesting domesticated animals for food! To hunt for an animal that is roaming you have to track, set traps, make sure that your bait is the right kind and make the move to kill at the right moment, if not you lose your prey. Whereas, when you rear and breed animals in your farmyard, they are there at your mercy to pick and slaughter or to keep for breeding purposes or for produce!

So, using traditional methods to ‘hunt’ for a spouse, a man would do anything to get his prey and once he has accomplish the ‘hunt’ and in this case of marriage which is rather similar to domestication of a wild animal into a tame one, the techniques used by him would be entirely different.

Luckily for women, civilization has made man less Cavemen like and therefore the above illustration is no longer absolutely similar. However, the Cavemen mentality of some men are stronger in some men than others, therefore, you find that some marriages result in extremely different circumstances for the women from that of the time of courtship! More civilized men treat their wives in a manner that is closer to the approaches used during courtship. Their marriages are more akin to a life-long courtship. This is rather romantic and lucky is the couple that can continue to do so.

Women, on the other hand must not expect life after marriage to remain the same as life before marriage! Luckily, many women adapt into married life with ease and performed their traditional role of housekeeping and looking after the family well. This pleases the man of the house and keeps relationship easy going without conflicts. The man goes out to earn to support the family, the wife stays at home to keep house, cook, look after the children.

Modern society disrupts this trend nowadays and wives go out to earn a living to supplement their husbands’ income, too. The ideal set up of the family unit becomes disrupted. Someone else must do the house cleaning, the cooking and looking after of the children. The husband returns to a home that is without a wife waiting with everything spick and span and the meals already cooked and the children well looked after by the wife! The security of the wife being safely tucked at home is no longer there. She is out in the world, mixing with others, being influenced and at times seduced! She is evolving into something different from the girl the husband once courted! Such dramatic changes set the path to separation and possible divorce eventually.

Even if the wife is not working and the man earns more than enough, she is not going to be home bound! The exposure to outside influence and attractions from society is too tempting to keep a woman in her traditional role. Even at home she is bombarded with external temptations via TV, radio and the printed media and now the Internet. She becomes dissatisfied with her state and thus evolves too. Eventually, her husband finds her to be different, more demanding, less tolerant and thus the happiness of returning home to a wife and family is no longer there. He too finds distractions elsewhere. He goes into an affair which is more familiar and like what it was he expected!

Therefore, today’s breakups and divorces are the result of changing situations in our environment and not because individual man or woman changes. Unless you are shielded from the influences of society via the mass media and live a traditional life as some Muslim or conservative families expect around the world, then expect dramatic changes in relationships before and after marriage. This is even true should you marry and marry again and again.

RELATIONSHIP BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE


Lady in Red Says…


When I was young, my parents always tell me it is better to look for a husband who CARES for you rather than LOVE you. Because love is temporary and care is a genuine feeling that is more permanent. So I found a husband who cares for me and they were right.
Despite this, I can still experience the difference before and after marriage. Before we were married he would do a lot of things to please me even though he did not like it, like going for a movie or going to places I wanted to go. I got to see a lot of movies during my courting days but I don’t get to see any movies after marriage. There is definitely a contrast in love or care whatever it is before and after a marriage.


Social customs, traditions and religion usually plays an important role in our society especially in the Chinese culture to “save face.” I have no experience to be an expert to talk about successful relationship in a marriage or to commend whether to love before marriage or to marry first and let love come later, but here are some facts about it.


Relationship before marriage
Love relation before marriage often offers a good situation for couples to know more about each other and discover each other’s personality. Whatever defects or habits which are unpleasant can be unnoticeable before a marriage. During courting times, the guy would do anything, putting everything at risk for the sake of love for the girl with no complaints at all. The man will do his best to overcome any obstacles and accepts any conditions or demands just for the sake of keeping the relationship intact. There is no such thing like, “waste of time” or “waste of money”.
Seeing each other is a must everyday and there is no complaint about spending too much time in the girl’s place. Holding hands and staying close is not a nuisance because you want to be close to her heart.


Accepting the fact of life after marriage
After being married for so many years, when a relationship between the husband and wife turns sour, there are two choices the couple has to decide on – either they still stay together without a truly loving relationship or they decided to go their separate ways to start another relationship somewhere else.


Birthdays, Valentine Days, romance, gifts, places of your choices are no longer in his calendar because these are a “waste of money” as said by my man. The most important thing for a woman in this kind of situation is to stay financially independent so that the woman can enjoy her own lifestyle; to go anywhere she wants to go or buy herself things she likes without depending on the husband to pamper her with gifts that he thinks are a waste of money.
Before marriage, he would say, “You go anywhere, I follow you.” After marriage, “You go anywhere, up to you.” And you will get statement like “What happened to your hands, why do you need me to hold your hands, are they broken?”; “Can you walk faster?” or “Can we go back now? We spend far too much time at your parents’ place!” and the list goes on with an atmosphere of tension.


The feeling of love either disappeared into the thin air or the focus is not on you but on the children and household matters.


Betty who has been married for more than 20 years, told me that her husband’s conversations with her are always about children and find it difficult to talk about their relationship. He can’t even call me.”Honey”. I was his “Sweetheart” in our courting days.
So I guess it is a choice one has to make. IN or OUT? This paves the marriage life for married couples, overcoming any trivial matters what may occur in the days to come. It has become a marriage of convenience and tolerance.


A choice to make…
In our society, I found that although these are the feedbacks from couples who felt a difference in their relationship after marriage, most couples still stayed together for the sake of their children and for the sake of their culture since “divorce” is a taboo in their society.
However, we still find some couples trying to rebuild their lives by having their own choice of new partners after many years of marriage when their children are all grown up. There is no more spark in their marriage and on mutual consent or being without choice, the couple split.
Mr. Chiaw shared this with me: “I am already 60 year old , half my life is over, I wonder why my wife still wants to leave me? We have been married for more than 30 years.” It could be either financial constraint or it could be another guy who have interest in his wife and may appreciate her more than her husband. But it is a choice that the wife has to make. She felt that life is too short to waste her life on the husband who doesn’t appreciate her anymore.
For me, I just learned two things – respect and communication. I may have my own secrets fantasies but it is not worth mentioning to my husband when you know it is going to ruin your life and get him hurt.


I feel that communication is the key that can command the highest level in a relationship whether it’s before or after marriage.
It’s all about GIVE and TAKE if you still want to stay as a couple.