Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Lady in Red Says…

When I was young, my parents always tell me it is better to look for a husband who CARES for you rather than LOVE you. Because love is temporary and care is a genuine feeling that is more permanent. So I found a husband who cares for me and they were right.
Despite this, I can still experience the difference before and after marriage. Before we were married he would do a lot of things to please me even though he did not like it, like going for a movie or going to places I wanted to go. I got to see a lot of movies during my courting days but I don’t get to see any movies after marriage. There is definitely a contrast in love or care whatever it is before and after a marriage.

Social customs, traditions and religion usually plays an important role in our society especially in the Chinese culture to “save face.” I have no experience to be an expert to talk about successful relationship in a marriage or to commend whether to love before marriage or to marry first and let love come later, but here are some facts about it.

Relationship before marriage
Love relation before marriage often offers a good situation for couples to know more about each other and discover each other’s personality. Whatever defects or habits which are unpleasant can be unnoticeable before a marriage. During courting times, the guy would do anything, putting everything at risk for the sake of love for the girl with no complaints at all. The man will do his best to overcome any obstacles and accepts any conditions or demands just for the sake of keeping the relationship intact. There is no such thing like, “waste of time” or “waste of money”.
Seeing each other is a must everyday and there is no complaint about spending too much time in the girl’s place. Holding hands and staying close is not a nuisance because you want to be close to her heart.

Accepting the fact of life after marriage
After being married for so many years, when a relationship between the husband and wife turns sour, there are two choices the couple has to decide on – either they still stay together without a truly loving relationship or they decided to go their separate ways to start another relationship somewhere else.

Birthdays, Valentine Days, romance, gifts, places of your choices are no longer in his calendar because these are a “waste of money” as said by my man. The most important thing for a woman in this kind of situation is to stay financially independent so that the woman can enjoy her own lifestyle; to go anywhere she wants to go or buy herself things she likes without depending on the husband to pamper her with gifts that he thinks are a waste of money.
Before marriage, he would say, “You go anywhere, I follow you.” After marriage, “You go anywhere, up to you.” And you will get statement like “What happened to your hands, why do you need me to hold your hands, are they broken?”; “Can you walk faster?” or “Can we go back now? We spend far too much time at your parents’ place!” and the list goes on with an atmosphere of tension.

The feeling of love either disappeared into the thin air or the focus is not on you but on the children and household matters.

Betty who has been married for more than 20 years, told me that her husband’s conversations with her are always about children and find it difficult to talk about their relationship. He can’t even call me.”Honey”. I was his “Sweetheart” in our courting days.
So I guess it is a choice one has to make. IN or OUT? This paves the marriage life for married couples, overcoming any trivial matters what may occur in the days to come. It has become a marriage of convenience and tolerance.

A choice to make…
In our society, I found that although these are the feedbacks from couples who felt a difference in their relationship after marriage, most couples still stayed together for the sake of their children and for the sake of their culture since “divorce” is a taboo in their society.
However, we still find some couples trying to rebuild their lives by having their own choice of new partners after many years of marriage when their children are all grown up. There is no more spark in their marriage and on mutual consent or being without choice, the couple split.
Mr. Chiaw shared this with me: “I am already 60 year old , half my life is over, I wonder why my wife still wants to leave me? We have been married for more than 30 years.” It could be either financial constraint or it could be another guy who have interest in his wife and may appreciate her more than her husband. But it is a choice that the wife has to make. She felt that life is too short to waste her life on the husband who doesn’t appreciate her anymore.
For me, I just learned two things – respect and communication. I may have my own secrets fantasies but it is not worth mentioning to my husband when you know it is going to ruin your life and get him hurt.

I feel that communication is the key that can command the highest level in a relationship whether it’s before or after marriage.
It’s all about GIVE and TAKE if you still want to stay as a couple.

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