THE UPS AND DOWNS OF PARENTING PART 1

LADY IN RED SAYS……
BEING PARENTS
Being a parent is one of the most important, rewarding and toughest jobs. Every day we have to make choices on how to bring up our children. It is these experiences that help us become better parents.
From the very beginning as a result of the fall of man, God said to the woman, “Because of you that caused man to sin, I will greatly increase your pains in child bearing; with pain you will give birth to children.” That is the pain of love every mother experienced.
And Baby Makes Three
After being married for a year or two, pressure would come from in-laws and your own parents to start a family. Now, when you're a parent, how will your day-to-day life become changed? What do you expect? The result of sleep deprivation can make a person very irritable and turns tasks like household chores and errands into ordeals because one has less energy and can’t concentrate on what one is supposed to do.
All mothers have their own challenges to confront. The pregnancy temporarily robs them of their body shape and they would put on a couple of extra pounds, have dark circles around the eyes from late-night feedings and all these can make a woman feel self-conscious and less attractive to her partner. Some mothers may find it difficult to reconcile the image of a mother with that of a sexual woman, so they may become less interested in intimacy.
The sight of a baby may stir up surprising feelings of jealousy. Sometimes a new father gets jealous because the baby takes up too much of the mother’s time. A father may feel like a third wheel and the mother will have to adjust her time to cater for the needs of the father, too, otherwise the father may go astray.
When I first became a mother at the age of 22, I had to deal with the numerous and varied issues a child will encounter between birth, the growing up and eventually when the child leaves home. This is a great challenge.
After carrying a full term and experiencing the child birth which lasted about 6 hours, a long labour pain, I do not know who I want to blame. I said to myself I am not going to have another baby. But when the baby finally makes her way out from my womb, I change my feeling and said to myself, “It’s worth the pain” seeing a beautiful life coming out from you.
Forty days of confinement, I am not allowed to take bath or wash my hair, I have to eat the food cooked in wine and ginger and I cannot even enjoy air-conditioning or fan. All the restrictions are supposed to be for the good of the mother.
Being a young mother, I also learned to take responsibility to teach my daughter the good values and when the child grew older, it became a harder task to handle when she an adolescent
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Having gone through this experience, I can conclude it is not easy being a parent. . Whether you are good parents or not will be shown by how your children appreciate you. It is like the story of the ‘Sower and the Seed’. The Sower took care of the seeds, watered them, gave them fertilizer, watched them grow and they grew and started to bear fruits. After my daughter graduated, she wrote this:-
“Today I have high self-esteem, confidence and found my ability in what I’m good at. It took me a very long time to look for what I love and good at doing, but ever since I found it, nothing can stop me from reaching my destination. I’m putting all my effort to achieve my dream and I know I’ll get there. It’s only a matter of time, and from this, I owe it to both of you. You always tell me that you are proud to have a daughter like me. I tell you…you should be proud of yourselves to be such excellent parents. Thanks.”
No Father’s Day or Mother’s Day can replace this statement from my daughter that can verify that I passed the test of being a parent.

THE UPS AND DOWNS OF PARENTING PART 2

VALIANT KNIGHT SAYS…..
BEING PARENTS
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day just went by and the whole world was crazy spending hard earned money of gifts that most of the time mothers and fathers do not appreciate or need. I leave my Lady in Red to write about the mothers’ point of view and I shall obviously handle the fathers’ point of view.
How one becomes a father:
Some of us became fathers by choice but others without even realizing it until they are told that the women they have made loved to are bearing their children. Whatever the circumstances one becomes a father, the fact remains that that person has a responsibility to at least an offspring! The moment the child is conceived in the woman’s womb, fatherhood begins, not only when the child is born.
What is entailed when you become a father?
The moment you are told or know you are a father, the first thing people around you expect, most of all your wife, is that you should be happy. Is there a lot to be happy about when you are about to carry such a heavy responsibility. Yes, fatherhood is a serious responsibility. You have committed yourself to many years of bringing up a child with your partner. There are many sacrifices to be made but there are also many moments of joy to experience which may last a significant number of years or forever!
In the initial pregnancy period, you have to tolerate your wife’s fancies and idiosyncrasies and ensure that your baby is carried to full term. You pay her special attention, you provide her with the much needed rest, you pamper her all for the sake of the child or hopefully because you treasure and love her as well and that she is going to give you the gift of your life!
When it comes to the time for the baby to come out, your role is minimal, you only have to ensure that your wife is sent to hospital in time or else you run the possibility of experiencing a very traumatic time if she has to deliver before arriving at the hospital. Some men are brave enough to accompany their wives during birth. If you are not, you then pace the floor outside the maternity ward wondering if it is going to be a boy or girl (nowadays ultra sounding would eliminate this anxiety for most fathers) and whether he or she would be normal and your wife safe.
Most fathers are happiest to see the doctor or midwife/nurse coming out to announce the birth of their child. (He won’t be so happy when he sees the bill and pays it.) Then, he takes a peek at the baby at the nursery through the glass window or is lucky enough to go to his wife’s bedside to see them both. This will be the time when you wonder whether the child looks like you or your wife.
Then begins your sleepless nights, anxiety moments when the child cries for unknown reasons and need for extra money to buy expensive food for both child and wife. You go to office half-asleep and your mind is always thinking of the mother and child. You have to distribute red eggs and roast meat if you are a Chinese after a month and you may even want to throw a big dinner.
These are merely the initial responsibilities. The main one will be a long financial strain you have to bear. Some fathers need to come out with half a million Ringgit to finance a child through school right up to university depending on the course your child is taking. Others will have to spend less. However, bringing up a child is not only about providing food, shelter and education. There are other costs like clothing him and buying him toys and giving him pocket money to spend. In pre Independence days, it was cheaper on a father to provide for these things but today with all the branded goods, sophisticated toys and special food and the things your children spend on for entertainment; it would simply cost you a fortune to support one child let alone many!
Finally, the responsibility of bringing up a child then is well-mannered and civic-minded. Here many fathers fail miserably. They tend to leave this to the mothers. Some fathers only play the role of disciplinarian or the final arbitrator in mother-child disputes. However, there is a crying need for fathers to be actively involved in bringing up a child let it be a boy or a girl. More so if it is a boy, because he has to learn manly things and if it is a girl, she needs the warmth of a father to show her what a man’s love is life in her future selection of a spouse.
So friends out there, the next time you feel the urge, remember, you may become a FATHER!

LIFE AFTER DIVORCE PART 1 AND 2

Lady in Red and Valiant Knight are both freelance writers. The Lady is from East Malaysia and the Knight is from the Peninsula. Their writings in this column will be based on the real facts of life in this society. They can be contacted at jennievictor9@gmail.com

LIFE AFTER DIVORCE PART 1

LADY IN RED SAYS ……………
CHANGES! There will be lots of changes in the new lifestyle after a divorce takes place. I am not in the position to comment about what Life after divorce is like but I do shared the pains and their anxieties of divorcees out there willing to tell me their stories. Tina, a teacher after two years separation, finally got her divorce finalized after all the hassle. With all the hurt and disruption caused, Tina wondered whether there is life after divorce. How can she pick up the pieces and start all over again? It certainly takes time to make adjustment on house management, having to do everything and having to get use to being without a man in the house.
Mary, a divorcee had a different mindset. She felt that there is life after divorce. It is like an experience of a new life after being detained and she has to believe in herself and have faith that things would work out in order to survive.
There are several factors that affect a divorcee in society and in her lifestyle. These are some of the challengers she has to face in society and it is like “being born again.”
A threat – Divorcees are often seen as “dangerous and available” to married men and their spouses are not comfortable with them socializing with divorcees. Mary once told me that she had to be careful when socializing with men to avoid being branded as “Desperate Women looking for a fling or sex.”
Loss – Speaking from the Lady’s point, some of these women still grief on their loss of their husbands to the other women and it would certainly take time to overcome this loss. Bitterness and anger are still with them and their chances of socializing are out, what hope can these divorcees expect if not for their children? The few friends who used to hang out with them slowly disappeared as they felt uncomfortable in their presence. Therefore, finding new friends are their only options that can lead them to new experiences and a renewed sense of purpose and enjoyment.
Unsecure – Married life gives stability and security to the women but divorce would pull them apart. This would tear the fundamental sense of security and many plans will come crashing down and explanations had to be given gently to the children. It’s no longer a “mummy and daddy affair” anymore. Often this can lead to panic and worry but the fact that if these women are trying hard to stand on their own feet and create new routines and build a new stability, it will be the first step to win the battle.
Change of roles in Parenting – When divorce disrupts the whole family unit, the whole house system change, most often mothers may have less quality time with the kids if they have the custody, they have to adjust to the level of support, especially sending and fetching the children to and from school. Managing a family after divorce is flexible and adaptable if it is being planned properly. For example, most of the older kids have to learn to be in dependable and help out in taking an adult role to supervise the younger kids and doing house chores. Mary said “surprisingly my kids can adapt quite well and succeed in the new “non-traditional” family. I have to be strong and lead by example during the transition and show them that life has to go on in a new environment”. However, there are some mothers who are emotionally affected that may result in their kids ending in the wrong path because of depression at home.
Financial - Divorce is costly and divorced families are often more expensive to maintain. Working mothers will have to adjust their financial planning as the husbands financial support may not be consistent. These usually resulted in most mothers getting involved in direct sales or second job to provide for the family. For the non-working wives who are less adventurous, they will often end up a situation where they may compromise their morals. But I can see most women do not belong to those of YESTERDAY. Survival is a challenge to them and I see some successful women like Pauline who is a divorcee who started her home business making cakes and gradually makes her way to raise all her children by herself. She now owns her bakery shop and her three children graduated in different careers and Pauline has become a role model for the “single mothers.” Helen Reed is one single mother who has survived the storm from Sewing Buttons to owing 12 Boutiques in Kuala Lumpur.
Divorce is an opportunity for new careers, pursuing self studies and pushing their current lifestyle forward. It is a choice to accept what is right now, what one can do and know what it’s best to do and look for whatever opportunities that comes along the way to make things better and to get through the storm.
Divorce is a process with a beginning or an ending to a life is all up to what choices we make.

LIFE AFTER DIVORCE PART 2

Valiant Knight says...
Life goes on after a divorce. But what sort of life? For a man, his social life is not much affected unless he divorced because his wife left him for another man or his wife cheated on him. Then he may feel rather ashamed among his men friends. However, the main difference would be at home.
When he is at home, the moment he returns from work, he would notice that the house is in a mess and he has to clean up if he is the tidy type. If not he would leave it as it is and tomorrow, he will return to a greater mess! If he wants to clean up, he would not know where to start and he would not know where the gadgets are. He may find the vacuum cleaner but he may not get all the parts fitted together for it to be most efficient. If the bag is full, he doesn’t know where the spares are or even how to change it.
Should he manage to get the dust and rubbish into a bag, he may not know when he has to take out the garbage for collection. If he leaves it outside on a non-collection day, the dogs will drag all his rubbish around the neighbourhood. A couple of used condoms may be strewn across his old spinster neighbour’s house!
Then he looks into his fridge and low and behold can you imagine what he will or will not find in it? He may not even find a bottle of water to drink but he may find lots of beer or lots of stale and mouldy leftovers! He may find a foul odour but he may not know where it is coming from. The food he bought yesterday were hard frozen and he has to defrost it first before he can even heat it up or cook it, if he knows how to cook, that is.
He may resort to eating bread, biscuits, instant mee, even that is beyond him at times. His best alternative would be to go out for dinner or if he is sick of the polluted air of the city, buy home something already prepared to eat. He has to eat it all alone out of the package as he is unable to find any clean crockery and cutlery as he had used all of them and did not wash any.
Next he deals with the laundry. He has spewed all his used clothes all over his bedroom, drabbed on chair backs, on his bed, on the floor, all the hooks in the room and bathroom, some under his bed even. He opens his cupboard and could not find a clear t-shirt or a pair of clean briefs. How does the washing machine operate (if he still has one, after all, the ex-wife is entitled to half of everything and this may be part of his ex-wife’s half). Where and how much detergent to put in? Too little and there is no suds and too much the machine will be overflowing with foam! He will soon have to go out and buy new items which might very well include disposable briefs!
Coming home to a quiet house may be a blessing for most people, but to a recently divorced man who is used to his ex-wife’s nagging and his children screaming, it would be very strange indeed. The silence may shock him and he turns on the TV and the CD players just to get some noise. The loneliness sets in. To avoid it, he calls a few friends, but they may not be in or busy with their own thing. “No, not tonight, dear!” may very well be the answer to all his phone calls for a date. He sits alone in the living room watching a stupid programme on TV.
This is a realistic situation immediately after a divorce. Of course, we adapt after some time. We become better organized as a ‘bachelor’ again. We may even enjoy life as it is. However, it takes time to adapt. Most men would look forward to taking their children (if any) out for an exciting outing and send them home again. It would be fun without the unnecessary encumbrances. However, there will also be the agonising questions children toss at you, “Dad, when are you coming home to us?” How do you answer that? “I’m never coming home to you and your mother again!” would that be what you will say? Most likely you will say, “Soon, dear, soon”.
Many men remarry fast unlike women. Why? Men cannot live without a woman if he can find one that is foolish enough to have him! So men, enjoy your marriage while you have it, and when you don’t, try to get into one as quickly as you can!

DIVORCE OR NOT TO DIVORCE PART 1 AND 2

Lady in Red and Valiant Knight are both freelance writers. The Lady is from East Malaysia and the Knight is from the Peninsula. Their writings in this column will be based on the real facts of life in this society. They can be contacted at jennievictor9@gmail.com

DIVORCE OR NOT TO DIVORCE PART 1

Lady in red says….
Yes, divorce is like a fashion trend in to-day’s society. I did a random survey and surprisingly, I found out the rates of divorce is quite high among old couples who opts to stay out of their marriage that sucks. Mrs. Lim, 65 says, “Life is too short, if my husband wants to keep Amy, let him. I don’t have to slave myself to take care of him.”
In the earlier topics why men or women cheat, a fling for pleasure is not to be taken lightly as it will definitely develop into a relationship and once the fire is lighted, emotional feelings cannot be control and this leads to divorce. Sally, 50 told me when she found out that her husband cheated on her, she said, “What’s the point to keep the marriage and pretend that nothing happens!”
I do agree with Valiant Knight that Lack of communication is one of the key factors that cause a divorce. Ann said, “I do not know what is happening to our marriage. Every time there is a conflict, he just switched me off.” Expectations were not clear and discussion about their feelings was not carried out. Sometimes I do experience that myself, how my husband expects me to read his mind when he is angry with me. Generally, if husbands and wives do not communicate, there will be bound to have a lot of hidden skeletons that will shock each other. Lack of communication can get worse if this is not being sorted out.
Sex is an essential aspect of marriage. For older couples, sexual dysfunction or being disinterested may begin and if the couple is unable to resolve this, it may become a reason for divorce. Valiant Knight had mentioned about that and men can easily seek sexual needs with any women and of course they have to pay a price. So ladies out there especially those who had reached menopause, it’s still part of the deal to provide sexual needs to your husband if you want to keep him.
The other reason could be Financial Issues – Money can be a possible cause of disagreement between couples. Particularly housewives not getting enough to manage the household, so they source for other income like direct sales. And when the wives get too involved in top selling programs that may take them away for outstation trips, that’s where trouble starts when they meet other men and get involved in relationships.
Various forms of Abuse usually allow the wives to take the bold steps by starting their own business with a Woman Support Group to help them to be independent. Abuse can come in the form of physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Drug, alcohol and excessive gambling can become detrimental to the marriage. With more women awareness program, these women can make a choice to stay or get out of an abusive marriage.
Having affairs of course is the main reason most wives want to get out from their marriages. Lucy, 45 said to me, “its better that I let him go because at the back of my mind, his heart is no longer with me. So what’s the point of keeping him?”
Incompatibility – I do agree with Valiant Knight about his view on some couples not able to keep to a standard of a high profile lifestyle. For an example, Lydia, a lawyer felt out of place with her husband, a mechanic on official functions. Due to frequent official functions, they were not able to find a common ground intellectually and emotionally resulting in stressful situations which lead on to a feeling of jealousy on the part of the husband.
Divorce is ugly but what’s the point in keeping the marriage just to “save face” when things just don’t work out anymore? Husbands have to sacrifice the hot meals, the laundry and the daily needs unless he finds another replacement that has a price tag attached. Although divorce women are still a threat to the society, most women are quite happy without men in their lives and if they have, they want to keep them as “soul mates” only!