Monday, July 13, 2009


Topics :- Eastern Times Sdn Bhd Published on :-

What men expect from their spouse? 11 July 2009
Why Women Cheat 04 July 2009
Why Men Cheat 27 June 2009
Men Yesterday and Today 20 June 2009
Women Yesterday and Today 13 June 2009
Relation before and after marriage 06 June 2009

Sunday, July 12, 2009


Lady in red says….
Similarly when a woman selects a man to marry, she wants the best attributes from her Prince Charming. But then fairy tales doesn’t exist anymore because it does not work anymore in this world. A good example that does proof the theory is Princess Diana.
When I was young, I expect my man to be romantic, at least good-looking and rich enough to provide me with security but when I got married, I can achieve only 50% due to circumstances and somehow the marriage still works because I am still married to the same man.
I asked a few men from the older generation who had been married for more than 30 years and this is the findings I got from them. Most of them want a good team mate that does not cause any conflict in the family. The younger generation has different sets of opinions. There are many factors but I will focus on the five basic ingredients men expect their spouses to be:-
Presentable Appearance - Mr. Lim’s marriage was an arranged one; he is lucky that his wife that was chosen for him is presentable and can be shown around. Unlike Mr. Loh, he always makes excuse that his wife (fat and not presentable) does not like to go out. It makes a man feel good) when their wives are being admired. For those that are still young, beauty does not matter; the attraction is just too strong for each other when they think they are “in love.”
Home-oriented - My own husband already complains that I am away from home too often. Of course most husbands expect their spouses to stay at home, clean, cook and set the house in order. Whether they are full time housewives or working, it’s expected of the spouse to be stationed in the kitchen and come out with dinner. So, men what’s wrong in giving in a helping hand when the working spouse had to rush to get dinner ready? It’s a different setting now with the younger couple helping each other.
Independence – man expect his wife not to bother him with little petty things. Sebastian said to me, “That’s why I insist my wife to learn to drive!” I know of one working wife who can bother her husband for little things. Even when he was at a meeting the poor secretary had to run errands for the wife. Financially independence is also one of the key factors that most husbands prefer their wives to have.
Obedience – Men still prefer the traditional trend to manage their spouses – “You obey!” I don’t fully support this statement because obedience shows no freedom of choice. A good exercise for every husband is to try to show your wife some respect. A major part of showing respect is to avoid the trap of being hyper-critical. Most men like to criticize the way their wives dress, cook meals, park the car or walk the dog. You might think you are instructing your wife, but you are actually showing disrespect for the decisions she makes. By criticising her you have contempt for whatever she is doing, that you are treating her like a child or even as a pet. Showing a lack of respect is one of the surest ways to kill off a marriage.
Loyalty – I wonder why wives have to stay loyal if husbands do not. Mr. Stephen Lim said to me, “I expect my wife to take care of me when I am sick, no question asked, that’s the reason I married her. For better or worse, until death do us part, that’s the deal”.
Good communication is one of the keys of a healthy marriage; good communication requires you to tell her how you are affected. Don't focus on her actions, but on the consequences of those actions. If you simply accuse her of undermining you or being insensitive, it automatically puts her on the defensive. When she's defensive about her actions, good communication becomes all but impossible.
Valiant Knight had brought up some good points of things he expect from a wife. Any woman can do that and satisfy his man if the husband plays his part too.


Valiant Knight says ……..
When a man selects a woman to marry, he is already mesmerized by that person in the first place before he would pop the question of marriage. Therefore, unless it is a shotgun marriage, he would think that he has found the ideal person to marry! Sad to say, what a person in love sees or experiences with a woman who is possibly equally in love with him, differ from reality! Young people during courtship (refer to our earlier articles) see things through rose tinted glasses and only wake up after some time after marriage (some after the wedding night, others take longer).
I am sure many men would have a prepared list of what they want their future spouses to be and would use this as a guideline to search for one. Eventually, failing to find one, they would start to compromise on the list and accept lower standards. What is the lowest standard would they expect from a wife? I will deal with this low standard first and if I have the space, write about higher standards men expect from their wives.
The minimum requirement is that she is a woman where sex is concerned. I mentioned sex first because most men marry for sex! Sex for his pleasure and sex for children! In modern society, most men may be fortunate enough to have a sample of this but some don’t get the chance and it is rather risky to accept without first sampling! So, on the wedding night, some of these men who bought the figure of speech ‘pig in the poke’ will have to poke (pun intended) and find out! If they are not satisfied, then the marriage in already on the rocks! Dissatisfaction because of things like a wife being frigid, rigid, etc. will be a major problem. Many will forgive even if she is not a virgin but can satisfy the men beyond his lower basic standards.
Secondly, men would expect a wife to be able to cook a simple meal for him. I don’t think there is a man in this world that will not expect to eat some meals at home. Worse come to the worst, he would expect breakfast some mornings! If a wife cannot make a proper half-boil egg (some really can’t even after years of trying) and not burn a toast (even with automatic toaster – wrong setting) or make a decent tasting cup of coffee, then again the marriage is doomed!
Thirdly, a man expects his wife to produce children! If in the first few years they fail to come up with an off-spring, they would be patient, even the man, after a few years, they will start to look at each other and start placing the blame! A check-up would do the trick to find out who is to be blamed! If it is the woman, this will be an excuse, maybe not for a divorce, but for a second wife to produce off-springs. If the woman cannot take this, lo and behold, a divorce is imminent!
Fourthly, a man expects the wife to be a good home manager (not gender bias so not going to use ‘manageress’)! Yes, I give you a certain amount of money, you manage! Wow! Tall order, with rising prices, greater demands, etc. how do you expect a wife to manage if the amount of money from day one of marriage till now remains the same? Well, a good home manager should know how to negotiate for increases accordingly, right? If supplementary budgets must be provided all the time, a man would be irritated and find this is an excuse to dislike the wife.
Sixthly, a wife has to be a nurse or better still, a doctor (even though she isn’t by profession). When a man is ill, he is the most difficult person to cater to! He will groan at the slightest pain (imagine if he should go through child birth!) and demands for attention with the lowest fever. If a wife cannot see to his needs in such a tragic moment, she is as good as the garbage waiting to be thrown out. But if she performs above par, she is usually remembered and treasured. After all, she has saved his life (a man always thinks he is going to die when he is slightly ill)!
So, you see, a man has only six things he expects from his wife. Why can’t any woman satisfy any man?

Saturday, July 4, 2009


Lady in Red and Valiant Knight are both freelance writers. The Lady is from East Malaysia and the Knight is from the Peninsula. Their writings in this column will be based on the real facts of life in this society. They can be contacted at


Lady in red says….
Valiant Knight seemed to feel that women are at fault for cheating on their spouse. It takes two hands to clap and they are mature enough to make choices, no one should be blamed except themselves.
Men usually cheat for physical reasons and women for emotional reasons. Very often, the husbands are not aware of their wives' affairs as they are consumed by in pursuing their own goals. The reasons are similar to men's reasons for infidelity. Women cheat on their husbands for various reasons like excitement, passion, boredom with their marriage or being neglected by the husband.
There is some truth to that, but when I asked some women to share why they strayed from their husbands. Here are some of their stories:
Unappreciated -- Jane 35, a secretary said her reason for cheating on her husband was that she was taken for granted too often. According to Jane, "My husband is not able to appreciate what I bring to the marriage in terms of sex, thrift and housekeeping skills. He is too busy trying to make money and so I have been receiving attention from my boss at work and one thing led to the other, so I enjoy my attention at the workplace."
Lack of excitement - Annie, 55, a businesswoman, admits that she has a great companionate relationship with her husband of 20 years but, she says, "I want sexual excitement which he does not offer nor is willing to try." She said that she was so bored with the marriage that she resorted to Internet dating. One day, by chance, a younger man admired her at the courier service center, they exchanged numbers and pho\ne conversations took on a sexual nature. She felt young and the excitement of attracting a younger man makes her life more exciting. The outstation trips became more frequent.
Lack of communication - Mary 30, a teacher married for just four years, describes her marriage as a “living hell", because her husband is very autocratic and does not communicate well. There are frequent fights and her husband fails to understand how his wife feels. This is leading to several other problems which will eventually lead to many other problems and the marriage is shaky right now. "It is hard to express my sexual feelings and he does know that he is not satisfying me, so I had to find sexual satisfaction from one of my many colleagues on training course."
Lonely - Lucy, 45, a housewife is well provided for by her husband and she should be satisfy with her lifestyle managing the house hold with house maid. Lucy said, "He is always travelling and when he is home, it is meetings, meetings, meetings!" And when he return home, he is usually tired and pay no attention to her and her effort of making herself looked good is a waste of effort. Lucy became lonely and temperamental and leads her to find comfort elsewhere by seeking out another man for happiness. She found a friend who is a tuition teacher giving tuition to her children. The daily tuition activity became a more excited event for both of them. Lucy said she have to play the game until she cannot take it anymore.
Revenge - Amy, 40, a nurse became unfaithful to her husband out of revenge, because she found out that her husband was sleeping around. Amy feels that since he chose that path, she will go there as well just to get back to him to get some revenge, an Egyptian doctor who was posted here, and being lonely without his family makes it easier for both of them to develop a relationship that may not lead them anywhere, but what does Amy cares?
Thrill - At some points, I do agree with Valiant Knight that some women simply cheat on their husbands for the thrill of not getting caught, or the feeling that they are getting away with something.
Self-esteem - Sex can be an instant pick-me-up; a self-esteem booster that makes women feel sexier, more beautiful and more loved. There are ways of making your spouse feels secure and good by paying attention to her and not holding back the compliments. Women needed to be appreciated, why let other men compliment your wife and you know that your wife looks good but you just can’t open your mouth and compliment her.
Predictable pattern - According to Michele Langley, author of Women's Infidelity, women's extra-marital relationships today follow a very predictable pattern like pushing men for commitment, getting what they want, losing interest in sex, becoming attracted to someone else, becoming angry and resentful and resulting them to start cheating. They blame their partners for their behavior and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages.
So it’s all about choices men and women had to make!


Valiant Knight says ……..
From personal experience, I would say the main reason is that they met someone they could not resist! Sounds similar to why men cheat, right? Women cheat for almost the same reasons as men! Shocking? Not true? Believe me, it is often the case.
Of course the underlying factors may not all be the same in each case. I know of a woman who cheated because she was unhappy with her spouse. She was unhappy with her spouse in many ways. Basically, he was too involved with his work and spent very little time with her and the children. Secondly, he was a selfish lover. The type that would get his orgasm and them turn over to snore! Thirdly, she has to put up a false front because of the nature of her spouse’s work.
Finally, she had the opportunity to work with a man that she found was all that her husband wasn’t and given ample opportunity to work and be with him most of the time, they touched physically and an explosion resulted and the next thing you know, they were making love like old married couple! Here too, thing were different from her previous experiences. This cheating relationship ended of course in both the woman and the man divorcing their respective spouses!
In another case, there was this woman who was just one step below this man in the office hierarchy and since they share a common office that is quite secluded (opportunity) she did everything to attract this man’s attention to the extent of even seducing him by exposing herself to him (temptation). So, this man eventually took advantage of her and she was all too willing to be involved (cooperation). The reason: opportunity to rise in her position of work.
The next true case I want to bring out is one where the woman having reached a position of power finds that there is still one final challenge for her. She uses her position and power to get herself a man of equal power. Her husband, a good fellow, is rather a weakling and rather unimpressive, whereas she was a big boss wielding lots of authority in work. She found another fellow worker from another branch equally strong and powerful in nature. She liked what she sees in him so much that at every opportunity they were working together under some pretext. Eventually, they were at a conference outstation together and it didn’t need a spark to set them off! This went on for years without their respective spouses knowing. It was well controlled as people in power know how to control situations!
From these three true to life situations, you will have to agree with me that women of today are no longer isolated and confined at home. They have ample opportunities at work especially to meet someone they can take up as a lover, either for permanent sake or as a temporary situation just to please themselves.
More shocking for men, even if you leave your wives at home, don’t think you are safe from a cheating woman! The final example of a cheating woman I want to bring out is that of an uneducated home maker. Her house was in a secluded area and since she has no means of going out to shop for her daily necessities she has to ask for delivery. (I know how Western storybooks and TV series have portrayed this theme but this is a true life situation in Malaysia!) Unfortunately, most of the delivery personnel are men. It was no difficult task to invite each in for a cooling drink in our hot weather and after a cool drink heat up the man with her seductive ways!
So, why do women cheat? They are just like men, too. They are bored, fed-up with their partners, they want to impress, they want to convince themselves they are still attractive and wanted, they want to experience new thrills, they want to compare men, they want out! Also, because in some cases they also know that their men cheat on them (as pointed out last week that men cheat because their wives first cheat on them).
All is fair in love and war!